Its all about gas !

An old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, I have a problem with gas, but it
really doesn't matters much. They never  smells and are always silent. As I've passed gas at least 20 times here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't even smell and are
silent.
The doctor says, "Oh I see, I recommend these pills and
come back here about next week." The lady goes.

Next week the lady goes back. "Doctor,"
she says angrily, "What medicine you gave
me, but now my gas..... although still silent...
smells very nasty and terrible."
The doctor says, "Very Good!!! Now that we've
cleared up your sinuses, Now you can smell well. Let's now work on your hearing problems."

What in the world would you have said !

A farmer had a accident, he was hit by a truck.

In court in front of judge, the truck drivers's hot-shot lawyer was questioning the farmer.

'Didn't you told the police officer at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the lawyer.
Farmer replied: 'Well, I'll tell you all the details what had happened. I was just crossing the road with my cow into the... '

'Stop, I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just reply to my single question. Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident that, 'I'm fine!'?'

Farmer said, 'Well, I'd just got the cow crossing the road and I was about to finish .... '

The lawyer again interrupted and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to connect the fact that, at the spot of the accident, this farmer told the police officer on the scene that he was fine. Now after so many days of the accident, he is trying to sue my client without any reason. I believe this man is a fraud. Please tell him to simply reply to my simple yes or no question. '

By this time, the Judge was very interested in Farmer's answer and said to the lawyer: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his cow'.

Farmer thanked the Judge and started. 'Well as I was saying, I had just crossed the road with the cow to take her to the forest to feed when this huge truck which was uncontrolled came thundering through the pavement and hit and my cow right in the side. I was thrown into one tree and the cow was thrown into the ditch on far side of the road. 

Oh God I was hurt seriously, very bad, and didn't want to move and half unconscious. But, I could hear my cow moaning loudly and groaning in pain. I knew she must be in terrible pain too.

very soon after the accident, a officer on a bike came up. He heard my cow moaning too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Then the officer came over to me, gun still in hand and smoking, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what in the world would you have said?'

Now time to go !

The local FM station was interviewing an eighty-year-old lady who had just married for the fourth time.

The RJ asked her questions about her entire life, how it feel to be marry again at the old age of eighty.

Lastly RJ asked about her new husband's profession.. "He's a funeral manager at renowned hospital," she answered. 

'Wow superb!,' the RJ exclaimed... 

RJ asked her if she can tell a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. 
She surprisingly paused for a few moments, needing time to remember all those years as she has less memory. 

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, that she had first married a banker at the age of  twenties, then a circus master when in her forties, and a priest of famous temple in her sixties, and now, in her eighties, a funeral manager.

The RJ looked at her, quite astonished, and questioned her why she had married four men with such diverse and different careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married first one for the money, second for the show and entertaintment, third to clear all the sins and get ready, and now its my time to go."

Roommates !

A Mum goes to her son's house for the dinner who stays with a female roommate.
During the time of the dinner, his mother can not tolerate how pretty his roommate was.
So she was suspicious of a relationship between two of them, and this had only made her more and more curious....

At night, while watching their behaviour, she started to wonder if there was something more between them beside roommate.
Reading his mum's thoughts, her son volunteered,
“I know what you are thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
Next day She leaves the place.

About a week later, girl roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother had come to dinner, I've been unable to find our precious silver plate. Don't you suppose she took it, do you?"

He replied ,"Well, I really doubt it, but I'll email her, just to make you sure." 
He sat down and emailed :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that the plate has been missing since you were here for dinner that night.

Love,
your son.

A day later, he received an email from his Mother:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she sleeps in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…

Love Mum

A drunk man !

A man of about fifties was in a bar. He was often falling off his stool about an interval of every couple of minutes. He was obviously drunk. 
So the bartender said a man next to him in the bar: "Why don't you be a good freind and drop him home."

The man takes the drunk man out of the exit door and to his car and he stumbles many times. They drive together and the drunk points out his house to the man. 

He stops his car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door, and said "Thank you very much for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

A Natural Death !

The waiting room of the renowned doctor's office was filled to full capacity, but the doctor was working at his usual slow pace as snail.

After waiting for more than three hours, an sick old man slowly stood up and head towards for the existing door.
Everyone stopped talking and look at him, he announced angrily in his low voice, I guess I'll just go home and die a natural death. Its better than doctors painful death. 

Idiot of the horse !

On early morning of Christmas, a police officer was on horseback sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was a kid on his new shiny bike. 

The policeman said to the kid, "Nice bike you got there dude. Did Santa Clause brought that bike to you?" The kid replied, "Yes sir."  The policeman said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike. Got it?"

The policeman then proceeds to issue the kid a Rs 200.00 bike safety violation cheat. 
The kid takes the cheat and before he rides away says, "Sir, By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa brought that to you?" 

Humoring the kid, the policeman said, "Yeah, he sure did brought" The kid then replied, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the genious guy on top of the horse, instead of the idiot on it."