Its all about gas !

An old lady goes to the doctor and says,
"Doctor, I have a problem with gas, but it
really doesn't matters much. They never  smells and are always silent. As I've passed gas at least 20 times here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't even smell and are
silent.
The doctor says, "Oh I see, I recommend these pills and
come back here about next week." The lady goes.

Next week the lady goes back. "Doctor,"
she says angrily, "What medicine you gave
me, but now my gas..... although still silent...
smells very nasty and terrible."
The doctor says, "Very Good!!! Now that we've
cleared up your sinuses, Now you can smell well. Let's now work on your hearing problems."

What in the world would you have said !

A farmer had a accident, he was hit by a truck.

In court in front of judge, the truck drivers's hot-shot lawyer was questioning the farmer.

'Didn't you told the police officer at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the lawyer.
Farmer replied: 'Well, I'll tell you all the details what had happened. I was just crossing the road with my cow into the... '

'Stop, I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just reply to my single question. Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident that, 'I'm fine!'?'

Farmer said, 'Well, I'd just got the cow crossing the road and I was about to finish .... '

The lawyer again interrupted and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to connect the fact that, at the spot of the accident, this farmer told the police officer on the scene that he was fine. Now after so many days of the accident, he is trying to sue my client without any reason. I believe this man is a fraud. Please tell him to simply reply to my simple yes or no question. '

By this time, the Judge was very interested in Farmer's answer and said to the lawyer: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his cow'.

Farmer thanked the Judge and started. 'Well as I was saying, I had just crossed the road with the cow to take her to the forest to feed when this huge truck which was uncontrolled came thundering through the pavement and hit and my cow right in the side. I was thrown into one tree and the cow was thrown into the ditch on far side of the road. 

Oh God I was hurt seriously, very bad, and didn't want to move and half unconscious. But, I could hear my cow moaning loudly and groaning in pain. I knew she must be in terrible pain too.

very soon after the accident, a officer on a bike came up. He heard my cow moaning too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Then the officer came over to me, gun still in hand and smoking, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what in the world would you have said?'

Now time to go !

The local FM station was interviewing an eighty-year-old lady who had just married for the fourth time.

The RJ asked her questions about her entire life, how it feel to be marry again at the old age of eighty.

Lastly RJ asked about her new husband's profession.. "He's a funeral manager at renowned hospital," she answered. 

'Wow superb!,' the RJ exclaimed... 

RJ asked her if she can tell a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. 
She surprisingly paused for a few moments, needing time to remember all those years as she has less memory. 

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, that she had first married a banker at the age of  twenties, then a circus master when in her forties, and a priest of famous temple in her sixties, and now, in her eighties, a funeral manager.

The RJ looked at her, quite astonished, and questioned her why she had married four men with such diverse and different careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married first one for the money, second for the show and entertaintment, third to clear all the sins and get ready, and now its my time to go."

Roommates !

A Mum goes to her son's house for the dinner who stays with a female roommate.
During the time of the dinner, his mother can not tolerate how pretty his roommate was.
So she was suspicious of a relationship between two of them, and this had only made her more and more curious....

At night, while watching their behaviour, she started to wonder if there was something more between them beside roommate.
Reading his mum's thoughts, her son volunteered,
“I know what you are thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."
Next day She leaves the place.

About a week later, girl roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother had come to dinner, I've been unable to find our precious silver plate. Don't you suppose she took it, do you?"

He replied ,"Well, I really doubt it, but I'll email her, just to make you sure." 
He sat down and emailed :

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate But the fact remains that the plate has been missing since you were here for dinner that night.

Love,
your son.

A day later, he received an email from his Mother:

Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she sleeps in her OWN bed, she
would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow…

Love Mum